I tend to become extremely overwhelmed at apparently simple tasks. After recently diving into this overwhelm, and with the help of my teacher Nina, I realized that what is underneath this is efforting. I tend to do things in a masculine way, with the need to get everything done ‘right now’, to keep going and to make sure I am always working and doing something. I recognize that I have been conditioned to be this way, and also been on auto pilot most of the time, which keeps my attention on what is next and takes me out of the present moment.
When I can pause in those moments, and come into the center of my being, I am able to find internal peace, and time stops for a moment. Chaos may be swirling around me but I am fully here, fully present with myself and I gather my energy to move into the next moment with more presence. I am learning to come home to my own natural rhythm, and it is not what I thought it was, not what I have known it to be.
It is not just about having one super long practice in the morning, checking it off the list and calling it a day. It is about mini moments throughout the day where I can pause and check in with myself. Sometimes I remember and sometimes I do not and all of it is ok. I know I am on the path to living more in my femininity; we all are going in that direction. I am enjoying all the ways it has taken to get me there, and all the moments of presence I catch along the way.
When I do maintain my center, there is this feeling like I have beat the next level in the video game. As I continue to level up, I know it is going to be more challenging than the last, but I have the tools in my spiritual tool belt to be able to achieve it, try and try again, you know Super Mario saving the princess type of deal, except I am saving myself by showing up. There is a feeling of wow I just made it through that moment and I did not leave myself, and I start to build that memory and it stacks in my awareness.
I have also recently realized that it has not felt safe for me to do nothing, so I literally keep myself busy all the time, so that I make sure I look busy to everyone so they know I am working. I had this realization while I was on the couch with my cat in the middle of a ‘work’ day and people came to my house. This ping of anxiety arrived, a little voice saying, “Get up, you can’t just be laying here in the middle of the day and resting what do you think you are doing.”
I do not know who’s voice this is but I had a cup of tea with it and dove into this anxious feeling and realized wow, it is ok for me to take a break, that is allowed, that is actually the mandate right now.
Now I am learning to undo. To be. And it is totally new territory. My primal brain fears that I might get eaten by the lion at any moment if I stop, but I am bridging myself to this new way of just being, and guess what? I am truly finding peace for maybe the first time in my life, and that is a feeling I want to keep aiming for.