I’ll be 50 years old in just less than six months. Coming to this work and this path at a turning point of my life, moving into middle age, hasn’t always been something I viewed as a great blessing. My body, mind, heart and spirit had reached a crossroads in this life; all together, all at once.
I’ve lived and worked in New York City for the majority of my life. We’ve raised a family here, by the grace of God, without many of the struggles the ones who brought us here had.
This city raised me, prepared me for what was ahead, taught me to see deeply. I’ve built a career here, one where I get to help people every day. It’s becoming more and more challenging to do the work I do in the environment that I’m in. Corporate America is a fascinating microcosm of the world dream we live in. The lies are on full display – and so many of us are so caught up in those lies that we believe them to be true. We do this because we don’t know any better, we’ve not yet learned there’s a different way.
I believe that I am meant to live with one foot in each world until I’m able to fully bring them together within myself. That belief doesn’t make it any easier. There are times that every fiber of my being wants to pull me away, and the temptation to believe something other than the truth becomes so strong.
This is when I remember to come back to the teachings. Sometimes it takes longer than others. When I come home to my heart, truly come to that place of love and rest and take refuge, this is when I can deeply exhale, and remember divinity.
The Toltec Teachings are deep in my roots, thanks to my teacher Nina Palmieri who showed me how to plant the seeds, patiently and lovingly, while encouraging me to go at my own pace. I’m learning that they’re always growing, always needing care, nurturing, love and attention. I can’t look away for a moment, nor can I look towards them without eyes of love.
I must be patient and kind, both within and without.
When I’m impeccable with my word, I am aware that I’m in my integrity, regardless of what I’m responding to or initiating.
When I’m not taking things personally, I am not attached to another’s story.
When I’m making no assumptions, I’m living fully in the present moment.
And when I’m doing my best, I am holding myself fully, heart both towards my inner and outer worlds.
When I’m not in my practice, I feel it, everywhere. It’s uncomfortable, and I don’t enjoy it. Yet I still go back, I turn my eyes away. I get triggered and react. And then I become frustrated with myself, or angry or disappointed or sad. Go back to the teachings.
This practice for me is one of patience and one of forgiveness, but most of all, one of love. And longggggg medicine.
I know that the time will come one day for me to let die this persona, this aspect I’ve built of myself in order to first survive, and then thrive. The Brooklyn kid, the one with the plan, the tough girl who figured out the way through the system. The one who sometimes feeds off the chaos. I know that I must trust life to guide me and listen closely. The desire to push my life in the direction I can feel it’s heading, to force it to happen rather than let it unfold the way it’s meant to is stronger than it’s ever been. The urge to run forward and beat the clock. And then the juxtaposition, fear arises. What if I can’t do it? What if I do it wrong? What will it look like? How will it feel?
Breathe. Come back to the teachings. Remember you are in this world and not of it. Repeat. Again.
The teachings are what ground me in truth, and the truth is that life is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to. And when I focus my attention back to the roots—the simplicity of those four beautiful agreements—I know that I am home.
The forest calls, and in my heart I know the day is coming when we will be together every day. For now, I’m in the place I’m meant to be. Another crossroads is on the horizon.
Margaret Bowani
The Womb House
